Sometimes God’s plans suck. At least they feel like they do,
and they seem to make no sense. Last night I drove Herman back into Los Pinos
where he’ll be living. He wants to be there, around people he knows, people who
know him, in a place where he can up and leave if he wants. He knows what he’s
getting himself into though. He knows of the darkness, the drugs, the parties,
the violence, the lack of ambition, all of it. And he’s afraid because he doesn’t
think he can bring the new Herman into this place and not fall back. And he
really couldn’t if God wasn’t with him. But luckily He is, and he’s been
pursuing Herman like crazy lately, so I know He won’t let him go. But it’s
still scary. I’m so scared for Herman, and the fact that I’m not right there in
his life anymore. I was certainly not prepared for this quick of a goodbye.
Even when we we’re talking before I drove him home, I figured I’d see him
plenty and he’d be back to the property eventually. He made it very clear to me
that that’s not the case, that he doesn’t really want to talk to me at least
for now, and he would make no promises about when/if he’d see me again. I was
in no way prepared to hear all that, so naturally I broke down. I’ve poured
into Herman for a year now nonstop, he’s my brother, he’s my best friend, and
he was a major part of my purpose here in Honduras. When I realized that was
getting taken away, I can’t even say how much it hurt. I feel like he’s been
ripped away from me, on such a random day. I didn’t see this coming. I don’t
think Herman understands how much it hurts either. Maybe it’s the lack of
unconditional love in his past, but it almost made me angry when he kept
telling me to stop crying. How can I not cry when I’m repeatedly being told
that someone is choosing to walk out of my life. God’s finally gotten me to
open my heart and love more freely, so right now I don’t understand why this is
His plan. He is slowly giving me more peace about this. If I had written this
last night like I planned, it would have been much different. I was angry, I was
heartbroken, I had no faith at all that anything good could come of this, and I
felt like the relationship this past year was for nothing. I can’t say that
these feelings are gone, but at least I know that this is God’s plan, so if it’s
worth all this hurt, something great must come of it. Right now, Herman is a
missionary in Los Pinos, whether he likes it or not. He’s different, he’s
changed, he has his faith, he is strong enough to say no. He wants to have a plan
for his life and he doesn’t want to be like Christopher or Josue or Henry. So
hopefully he follows through on that, and if he can get past this challenge, he
can do anything. And at least through all of this, God has definitely been
there for me. He’s surrounded me with an amazing group of Christians to support
me, to cry with me, to speak peace and life into me. It hurts, and it probably
won’t stop hurting for a long time, but God is here for me, and that’s
something I’ve certainly been missing. I need to rely on God. In reality, I can’t
do anything to save Herman’s life, and I guess God is showing me that by taking
him away from me. Nidia was talking to me after everything went down, and she
said I’ve been there for Herman the past year, but he probably needs me now more
than ever. To pray, constantly, constantly, constantly. So that’s what I’m
going to do, it’s all I can do. God can save him, he won’t let him go, and it
seems that my time physically in his life might be over. But I don’t regret
this year, I poured out all I had to him, and I guess that’s what God wanted, but
now it’s His turn to work and do way more than I ever can. I really don’t want
this to be the end of me and Herman’s relationship, and in my overly optimistic
mind I feel like it’s not, but it very well could be. If God has other plans,
it’s selfish of me to want Herman in my life instead of the place where God
wants him. This is an opportunity for him to really get to know Christ. He
doesn’t have me, or Tony or Nidia, or anyone here, he just has God. This is a
chance for him to build that personal relationship and make his faith his own.
Again as Nidia said (let me just say I love this woman so much, so incredibly
wise) this is a chance for God to be Herman’s best friend, not me, not Tony,
not any of the boys. Herman needs to recognize God as the sole person he can
rely on, instead of relying so strongly on earthly relationships. I love Herman
so so much, and I want the best life he can have, without temptation, walking
with the Lord each step. I’m heartbroken to think that my time in his life may
be over, but all that really matters is God in his life, so I’ll just keep
praying. For protection, for an understanding of grace, for redemption, for a
community of faith, for confidence, for freedom from his past, and for a life
full of love and peace. Please be praying with me.
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