Family

We went this morning to visit with the kids’ family. We enjoyed some long awaited play time and time to catch up with their sisters, meanwhile their grandma and I chatted and I learned more about the family’s past than I’d ever imagined could be true. While I don’t agree with many decisions the mom has made, I had no idea at the horrific things she had suffered as a young woman and the story about how these kids came into this world.

Kidnapping.

Physical abuse.

Emotional Abuse.

Imprisonment.

Rape.

Abandoment.

All before she turned 17.

I was immediately convicted for being too quick to judge and not give grace, and it reaffirmed my belief that Families need to be ministered to, not just kids.

I recently saw a flyer for an event passed around that proclaimed in large letters that Honduras is a “nation of orphans.” That shocked me and produced a strong reaction in me. Should we, as missionaries, believing as the Bible says that our words have power of life and death, declare that this nation is a nation of orphans? Now this flyer was for a group of children’s homes, so I guess it’s understandable that that is their viewpoint. But how many kids in those group homes are actually orphans? How many were dropped off by overwhelmed moms who, with help, could have gotten on their feet and cared for the family? How many were dropped off because parents falsely believed that living with gringos and having material things was best for their child? How many children were given the title “orphan” when in fact they aren’t?

Please don’t take my words the wrong way, plenty of children’s homes are well intentioned and take great care of kids who really need it, but in plenty more situations that doesn’t seem to be the case. I much more strongly identify with the movement of missionaries in this country pushing to keep biological families together, to empower single moms, to teach healthy parenting, and in worse case scenarios if a child has to be removed, that they are placed in a family, not a large program. But that’s harder, and takes a much more long-term commitment.

This is what I try to do, albeit on a small scale, in Los Pinos. I’ll be the first to tell you that plenty of the parents I know and love and minister to on a regular basis are not great parents. Children are neglected to various degrees, children grow up hearing horrible things spoken over and to them, education is not a priority, kids never receive real discipline and grow up calling the shots in their house, and their surroundings don’t allow for a physically safe and healthy environment. However, I believe that God has sent me to become involved with these families for just that reason. The answer is NOT to remove hundreds of kids and have nannies in over-crowded homes raise them until they're 18. Instead we need to encourage families to be self supporting, to teach a different kind of discipline, to learn the balance between love and discipline – that both are needed, teach what the Bible says about the power of our words and apply that to how we speak to and about our kids, to encourage healthy living and a parent’s active role in their child’s education and general well being, etc. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten home frustrated after a long day of hearing horrible words spoken to kids and them repeat them right back, of children walking far to close to cliffs, barbed wire, and fires, of hearing that kids don’t eat vegetables because they say they don’t want to, of seeing how kids watch TV for almost the entire day so that they won’t make noise, of hearing that kids didn’t go to school because they won’t go unless the parent gives money them to buy junk food while they’re there and the list goes on and on. Instead of frustration, I have to choose to encourage, to suggest and help implement healthy ways of living, and to speak up firmly in downright dangerous situations for the sake of the whole family.

In many cases, “bad moms” are the result of never witnessing anything different and not being ready for parenthood in the first place, and poor decisions can be influenced by always-present scars of past or current abuse (**I say this not to excuse these things, but to understand them**). It’s easy to look at 20, 30, 40 year old women and feel much less compassion than you would feel for a 5 year old child because, yeah, there’s a good chance that bad decisions have brought them into the bad situation they are today. But if we truly believe in all sufficient grace, parents and families deserve the same love, care, and commitment that is so much more easily given to kids! And the kids benefit greatly from emotionally and spiritually healthy parents.

Families need to be empowered.

FAMILIES need to be prayed for.

FAMILIES need to be ministered to.

FAMILIES need healing.

FAMILIES can see God’s redemptive power at work.

That’s why it’s at the core of how I minister. I don’t minister to individuals; instead I minister to the family unit. God created that family unit for a reason, and if at all possible, ensuring the safety of the children, the family can stay together, I believe it should.

That’s also why it has always been a priority to maintain Asmin and Anderson’s relationship with their family.  I can promise you, it’s not always the easiest family to deal with, and so many times I’ve thought how much easier would it be if they were not in the picture. But it wouldn’t be better. It wouldn’t be better for the kids nor for the family.

Asmin and Anderson began living with me by the mother’s request because she was emotionally overwhelmed and physically couldn’t give them or their sisters what children need to survive and what the law requires as far as education. The hope was that maybe with responsibility of three kids instead of five, she could get on her feet and reunite the family someday. Unfortunately that only became more and more unlikely as she abandoned her other three children and doesn’t seem emotionally able to care for even one of them at a time.  It’s a very complicated story and I’ve been upset with her on many occasions, but today I was reminded of the fact is that she is broken and needs healing. Her children need healing, and she does too.

Honduras is not a nation of orphans.  When single moms are supported, when Godly men rise up as fathers who stay, when families stick together, when children grow up receiving both love and discipline, when children find a safe place at home and don’t have to look for it in gangs and relationships, there need not be homes full of so called “orphans”, and the future of this country is so much brighter.

**Due to the sensitive information shared in this blog about specific people, please don’t share! I really wanted to share this blog with you, but I prefer it stays within immediate friends and family. Thank you**